The dexterity of a bus conductor

“… Thank God the water is very cold”. It has been a tough morning and its one of those days where you spend 3 hours on the awesome third mainland bridge. We were just able to run 3 trips before 12 noon and I feel I have been on the road for 3 days.

My name is Femi, I’m just 21 but I have the stature of a 29 year old guy. My dad is presumed dead as I don’t even know what he looks like and my mum? She sells vegetables, don’t ask me if it’s fresh or not, it sha settles some bills. We stay in a room and parlor with my pregnant girlfriend. I still don’t know how the stupid girl managed to get pregnant. We’ve had sex countless times, I don’t know why she decided to go stupid with this one, oponu radarada.

I’m trying to imagine what your face looks like right now and I’m laughing really hard. I’m sure you must think I do one cooperate job, LMAO. Cooperate ko, cooperate ni. I am a bus conductor. Hustler lomo la ti le. I’ve been doing petty jobs since I was 7. No money for school and all that so we just dey do join join. Man must chop. I used to help my mum get her vegetables from the far away village to town. We were running late one time and I decided to start shouting for people to get into the bus. The guy told me he was inspired by my ‘ginger’, he asked me if I would like to go to Lagos and work. Who turns down a “Lagos offer”? We went on to talk to my mum about it and she agreed.

On getting Lagos, it was an entirely different setting. It was like I was in another world. Everywhere was loud. You’ll hardly pass a street in Lagos and not hear music blaring, at least for the area I was. It was called EJIGBO. And I heard it was a real nice and quiet place in Lagos. But with the noises I kept hearing, I wonder what quite meant to them. Anyway, I was introduced to a park and that became my new home. It was rough at first, but with time, I got the hang of it.

I was new and I was told to start with a molue. I was surprised. Like, are you mad? My first time! But they didn’t care o, we were to ply oshodi to obalende. Some were standing even after the sits got filled up. I was able to maneuver myself amidst this people. Some of them smelt good, some really good while others just decided to mess it up with very nasty body odors. It was especially bad when I have to go under someone’s arm and it smells like rotten fish. That was just one of the perks of doing this job. Another one was having to give the right amount of change to the right person. Some people won’t even pay and they’ll be asking for change. It was a crazy place.

Four days into the job and I was sick, seriously ill. I thought I was going to die. It was a compound of the everyday stress plus the mosquito bites. Those bugs come with straws for their meals. No matter how many you kill, they just keep coming, the funny part is that they don’t even run when you chase them, it’s like you are the one crossing their territory. I got treated sha but after that I started smoking and doing drugs to keep up with my game. I had to deal with those that think they are cooperate scammers. They wear suits and dress nice and will still not pay but want to collect change, awon ole. I also had to deal with the struggle of paying the agberos for all the shifts and make sure I don’t pay twice. I also made a few friends with men in black, as they say, police is your friend. We pay heavily once a while though but then, those changes are lifesaving.

This was my life. A day without tramadol and weed was like a day without water. I continued this for many years till I was able to get my own place. I brought my mum too to Lagos to have the feel everyone was talking about. It wasn’t as fun as she expected but it was definitely better than the village life and more expensive too. Within a few weeks, my mum had started her village trade of vegetable selling in the city. It was nice.

It was on a wet Saturday evening I went to mama Aduke’s house to help my mum get her vegetables. It rained all day and it didn’t stop till around 4:30pm. It was at this woman’s place that I met Aduke’s. Her endowment isn’t what you’ll be expecting me to say. Out of this world and all that… naaa. She had everything in the near perfect proportions. Not too much in the front and an auto twerk behind. Aduke’s bum was shaking with every step she took. At some point I lost the cause that took me to Aduke’s house. The only thing the weather was feeding me was Aduke’s physique. I wanted to be all over her that very moment. And guess what, I got my pass that very night. The sex was awesome and she kept asking for more. That’s how Aduke and I started dating. I remember one time when I broke my arm cos I had a loose grip on the bus and I got hit by a bike. My mum and Aduke came through for me big time. I love them a lot but I still don’t know how Aduke was stupid enough to get pregnant.

That’s the story of my life now, revolving around drugs, sex, hustle.. “Obalende next one”. Till we meet again. This is me, Femi, ill share other things. Bye.